i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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