I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
