Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
In America we eat man semen.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
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