Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
