I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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