You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
