On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
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