it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
