Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
