this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
you made out with another girl for some wings
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
