A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
You smell like stripper and shame
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
