everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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