I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Randomize
