I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize