I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
