Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
