Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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