Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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