Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
