Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
