mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
