My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
