Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
