i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Randomize
