"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I need to stop coming to work sober
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
