You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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