my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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