omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
