Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
