I think i sorta joined a cult last night
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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