i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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