Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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