Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
