just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize