did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
