I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
