I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
