11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Randomize