I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
