Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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