I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
