The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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