if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
