Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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