she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
