STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
