it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
