time to smoke my breakfast
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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