youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
this is an emotional support booty call
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
