do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
