Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
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