I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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