It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
