i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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