I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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