I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize