guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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