Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
Randomize
