Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
