I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
