we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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