so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Lo siento on account of my penis...
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
