I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
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