I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
