yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
