Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Randomize